The Jocks wot done it

Glasgow, Scotland was chosen today, to host the 2014 Commonwealth Games. Glasgow beat the only other candidate for the games — Abuja, Nigeria — by a vote of 47 to 24. Votes were cast by the 71 Commonwealth member states in Sri Lanka's capital, Colombo.

Abuja's chances of winning the right to host the games were dealt a blow in September after a four member evaluation team found fault with the city's plans for budgeting, transport, marketing and venues. The team also visited Glasgow, but never made it past the pub.

The question, however, is will the English be allowed to take part? Of course the ship has decided this is an apt time for some Scotch (yes Scotch!) jokes.

A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
The Scotsman man shouts, “Awa ye feel hoor that’s full O coos Sharn.”
The man shouts back, “I'm English. Speak English, I don't understand you.”
The Scotsman man shouts back, “Use both hands, you'll get more in.”

A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."

Jock's wife Maggie went to the doctor complaining of pains in the stomach. The doctor told her it was “just wind”. "Just wind?" she screamed at him. "It was just wind that blew down the Tay Bridge!"

Jock and an Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the stewardess approached. "May I get you something?" she asked. "Aye, a whusky," Jock replied.
She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he'd like one. "Never!" he said sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by whores all the way to America than drink whisky!"
Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying, "Och, Ah didna ken there wuz a choice!"

Irate golfer, on his way to a round of 150: "You must be the worst caddie in the world!"
Scottish caddie (dryly): "That would be too much of a coincidence, sir."

Mills splits from law firm

LONDON: Heather Mills has parted company with the law firm which had represented her in her divorce from former Beatle Paul McCartney, the firm said Friday.

Shimon Cohen, of Mishcon de Reya Solicitors, confirmed news reports that the firm was no longer representing her, but declined as a matter of policy to say why or when it ceased to do so.

A source high up in the firm, however, was reported to have said: “Once we saw the post on the Crystal Ship, we knew it was time to dump Heather. When the Captain speaks, everyone listens.”

Of course most of our readers will know that we’re lying about taht quote like Pinocchio with a hard-on, but it would be nice if it were true...wouldn’t it.

By the way, Mishcon de Reya also represented Princess Diana in her divorce from Prince Charles, whose divorce lawyer, Fiona Shackleton, is representing McCartney. All a bit incestuous methinks.

Iraq in numbers

Is the situation in the war-torn nation getting better? The numbers seem to think so

• Civilian deaths in Iraq fell for the second consecutive month in October to their lowest level this year. Figures from Iraq’s health, interior and defence ministries show 758 civilians were killed in violence in October, along with 117 policemen and 13 Iraqi soldiers. In September, 884 civilians were killed. The highest monthly toll this year was 1,971 in January.

• US military deaths have also fallen sharply in the past two months, with senior US generals noting a five-month decline in combat deaths. Independent website casualties.org says 38 US soldiers were killed in October, the lowest death toll since March 2006. In September, 65 were killed. Despite the declines, 2007 has become the deadliest year of the war for US soldiers, with 854 killed so far. In total, 3,858 US soldiers have been killed in Iraq since 2003.

• Baghdad security spokesman Brigadier-General Qassim Moussawi has said 46,030 Iraqis returned to the capital from abroad in October because of improved security, a big jump from previous government estimates of 3,200 families this year.

• The United Nations estimates some 4.4 million Iraqis have left their homes and moved abroad or elsewhere within Iraq. The Iraqi Red Crescent says the number of internally displaced reached 2.3 million by the end of September. At least 2 million have fled to other countries, between 1.4 million and 2 million to Syria and about 750,000 to Jordan. Between 4,000 and 6,000 Iraqis a day were crossing into Syria before Damascus tightened migration rules last month.

Pink is the new yellow in Thailand

RUNGRAWEE C PINYORAT, BANGKOK: People across Thailand have started wearing pink shirts in tribute to their beloved 79-year-old king, who checked out of a hospital this week dressed in a blazer and a dress shirt of that colour.

For about two years, Thais have shown their respect for King Bhumibol Adulyadej by wearing yellow — the colour that in Buddhist tradition symbolises Monday, the day of the week the monarch was born.

Many Thais have donned yellow shirts every Monday since 2006, the year of Bhumibol's 60th anniversary on the throne. The tribute has continued this year to celebrate his 80th birthday on December 5.

But it looks like pink is about to become the new yellow in Thailand. Demand for pink T shirts is picking up.

Astrologers have determined pink to be an auspicious colour for the king's 80th year. A royal emblem, using pink among other colours, was specially designed for his birthday.

Bhumibol was released from a Bangkok hospital Wednesday after more than three weeks of treatment for what the palace described as weakness on the right side of his body and a colon infection.

The Commerce Ministry is preparing to produce 30,000 pink shirts in coming weeks to meet rising demand, said Yanyong Phuangrat, chief of the ministry's domestic trade department. The ministry has hired private companies to make the shirts, hoping to control the prices of the hotly desired items.

An initial batch of 10,000 pink shirts that went on sale in July has sold out.

Diary of a lady - 12

I have to call my grandfather tonight. But I know I will not get to speak to him. He will be lying on his bed, awake but apathetic to anything around him. My grandfather is dying. It is a slow death, where he lies in bed all day, too weak to lull his mind in front of the television set.

His pipes lie abandoned; his leather-bound books are collecting dust. I want those books -- early editions of War And Peace, David Copperfield, Crime And Punishment, Lorna Doone, Vanity Fair – I want them all. Maybe when the Reaper finally takes pity on my grandfather, I’ll be able to claim my old friends. And friends they are -- as a child, I would sit with those tomes for hours on end, grappling with long-winding sentences and complex plots, referring to the Oxford Dictionary.

What is my grandfather thinking of? Eighty-two years on Earth is a long time -- and the memories can be more cathartic than the daily TV soap. But are his memories fading? Can he no longer remember the face of his grandmother? I do not know. He lies on his bed, waiting for the Sandman. In sleep he can find some peace.

His attitude is so unlike my granduncle, who, as he grew older, decided to live in a fantasy world. So, too the horror of my family, he’d talk about his new wife, who it seems was as well-endowed as the late Anna Nicole Smith. When this granduncle died, we found his cupboard stacked with books from Russian novelists and philosophers. It seems he was a closet Communist. I made off with a book called Little Golden America, 1936 edition. It’s old and moth-eaten, but it’s mine.

My grandfather raised four children, and made a comfortable home for himself. He loved Anna Karenina, which he’d read with his glass of brandy.

My grandmother watches this depredation of age and disease with equanimity. Soon, she too will also walk down that road. But they’ve raised four children, they did their duty. Now they can only wait. That’s the way things are for them.

And why am I thinking about this? I’m feeling unsettled, cagey and restless. If I delve too deeply, I will be assaulted by emotions and thoughts I am trying not to think of. In times such as these, I look back at my grandfather’s house. I’m sitting in the verandah on the first floor. There’s a storm raging outside like a mad bull, but I’m reading Crime And Punishment, untouched by the chaos and mayhem around. I’m reaching for the Oxford Dictionary.

Font of all ignorance

The dastardly font, Helvetica turned 50 this year and I hope it will be sent swiftly into retirement. Former Gulf Weekly design editor, Jayath Teki, will attest to my absolute hatred of this rakish type.

Unfortunately for me, Bahrain magazines and newspapers seemed to be in love with its nastiness. It’s weak and has all the character of a squashed mole.

Jayath found a perfect font in Chaparall, with which to throw Helvetica off the roof, at GW (this is pre redesign, when GW was still a newspaper of the world, rather than a small-island tabloid).

But before one assassinates Helvetica, let’s talk a little a bit about the font, and how it came to be the bane of newspaper designers across the globe.

The font was designed in 1957 (yes, way back then) by Swiss graphic designer Max Miedinger. Of course, he had to be Swiss, who else would come up with something so damn boring.

Someone at design company Haas, however, realised the sheer ineptitude of the font and aptly titled it Neue Haas Grotesk, but those damn Germans changed it all.

Stempel, Hass’s parent company quickly decided to change the name and called it Helvetica.

What’s worse is that there’s actually a film been made about the font (the picture is a still from the film, smartly titled, Helvetica), and it’s out on DVD this year. I bet that will be like watching paint fucking dry.

Editorial cartoon of the day

Gary Varvel on the Hollywood writers' strike.

Joke of the Day

Two rednecks are playing golf behind two flamingly effeminate golfers who are just flitting about after every shot, every putt, everything.
The rednecks are getting so mad watching the un-macho behaviour of the two at the ‘gentleman's game’, so they decide they're going to hit into them to get off.
The rednecks' shots are getting dangerously close to the two gays, and finally, a shot from one of the rednecks hits one of the gays on the head and it knocks him out cold.
The other gay is in an angry panic, shaking his friend to get up, "Felipe! Felipe! Get up! Get up!"
He shouts at the rednecks, "You bad men! We are going to sue you!"
One of the rednecks yelled back, "You ain't gonna sue us! I'd just as soon suck your winney!"
The gay heard that and started shaking his friend: "Felipe! Felipe! Get up! Hurry! They want to settle out of court!"

The old man

He was the oldest man in the world, and he sat in my cupboard. In his milky eyes shone the glimmering oriflammes of a million years of life.

He smiled at me yesterday, as I reached over him to get a shirt.

“Is it time?” he asked, his crows’ feet taking flight as he smiled a grizzled beam.

“Not yet,” I said and opted for a black T-Shirt.

He has been sitting there for a while, occasionally he will leave to go and sit on the park bench and watch her play with her grandchildren, but otherwise he prefers to sit in the dark and shine a light on the past.

He was young once, and travelled the world in search of her. He found her and they danced, oh how they danced ‘neath the bemused stares of cosmic witnesses on the beaches, and under the grim urban gaze as they tripped the light fantastic down on mainstreet.

Yesterday I saw him crying. Maybe crying isn’t the right word, it was only one lazy tear — none too concerned if his brethren followed him down the age-scarred skin of the old man’s face. It trickled and then stopped half-way down. It was almost as if, knowing its inevitable demise on the cupboard’s wooden floor, stopped to take stock of its short life. I hope it made its peace before it splattered into a briny oblivion.

The old man says less and less as the years pass. She has died, and the park bench holds no visions for him anymore.

He will sometimes mutter something, but I fail to catch the words as they escape his cracked lips and fly away into the space between our worlds.

Yesterday I opened the cupboard to get a pair of jeans, and he asked me: “Is it time?”

“Yes,” I replied. “It is.”

The old man got up and left. As he walked out the door he turned to me and said: “It’s all in the memories. The answers to all the secrets are already known. You just have to find them.”

I am dying now. It has been 30 years since the old man left. Yesterday I sifted through my memories and found a face I had buried. The face still smiles and I smile back, but not very often.

I now spend most of the time in the cupboard. Yesterday when my son came to get a pair of short I asked him if it was time.

“Not yet,” was all he said.

Journalists freed in the UAE

DUBAI: A decree by the Prime Minister of the United Arab Emirates has saved two journalists from jail, the official WAM news agency reported on Thursday.

The journalists from English-language daily Khaleej Times were acquitted by an appeal court after being sentenced to two months in jail for libel.

The court ruling followed a decree by Prime Minister Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashed al-Maktoum that journalists should not be jailed for their work.

"The Dubai Court of Appeal ruled innocent the journalists Mohsen Rashed and Shimba Kassiril from the Khaleej Times newspaper," WAM said. Sheikh Mohammed said in the decree that measures other than jail sentences could be taken against journalists who had committed a particular violation, WAM said.

Rashed and Kassiril were sentenced by a court in the emirate of Dubai on September 23, the day before the decree was issued. WAM said the two men were accused of defaming a woman in a June 2006 article written by Rashed and cleared for publication by Kassiril, then editor of the paper.

Kassiril and Rashed were convicted of libelling an Iranian-born Dubai woman by reporting on June 28 last year that she had sued her husband, who had then been imprisoned.

In 2004, a Dubai court handed down jail sentences of six months and three months respectively against a Kuwaiti editor and a Saudi editor, also for defamation.

The Japanese are topping themselves at record levels

CARL FREIRE, TOKYO: Employers and local authorities need to work with the Japanese government to help tackle the country's alarmingly high suicide rate after 32,155 people killed themselves in 2006, the government said Friday.

While the figure was down by 397 people from the previous year, Japan's suicide rate remains the ninth highest among all countries, the Cabinet Office report said, citing World Health Organization data. Lithuania had the highest rate, followed by Belarus and Russia, while the US ranked number 43 in the world, according to the data.

Top government spokesman Nobutaka Machimura said economic bad times and difficulties in the workplace appeared to remain among the leading factors behind the high suicide rate.

“This is a problem that needs to be dealt with comprehensively by society,” Machimura told reporters at a regular news conference. “Suicide can be thought of as an illness of the soul, and we need to find ways to treat it.”

Abu Dhabi's new rag

Now as any journalist who has ever worked in the Gulf will know, it’s hardly a bastion of good newspapers. Sure, you have the safe giant, that is Gulf News, and the surprisingly well-liked Khaleej Times (the reason for this is beyond my limited intellect), but on the whole it’s as close to a Fourth Estate Wasteland as you can get.

Now get this. The UAE capital, Abu Dhabi is all set to launch its national newspaper in the first quarter of 2008. And it’s not just any paper, let me give you a sample of the roll call:

• Editor, Martin Newland (former editor of The Daily Telegraph) as editor

• Sue Ryan (former managing editor, The Daily Telegraph), as editorial consultant

• Hamida Ghafour (author of the Sleeping Budda) as news reporter

• Jonathan Shainin (former editor of New Yorker), as Review editor.

• Hassan Fattah (former Middle East correspondent of the New York Times) as deputy editor.

• Colin Randall (former Daily Telegraph news editor and Paris correspondent) as the project's executive news editor.

• Bill Spindle (former Wall Street Journal corporate finance editor) as business editor.

• Bob Cowan (former Sunday Telegraph comment editor) as — and this is priceless — comment editor

• James Langton (former Sunday Telegraph) as news features editor.

• Alan Philps (former Daily Telegraph foreign editor) as associate editor

• Anna Seaman (writer on the Daily Mail's Femail section) as writer.

Now this is a formidable list indeed, some of these are pretty decent journalists, which forces me to ask...why on earth are they all heading to Abu Dhabi? The little voice in my head, immediately slaps my cerebellum and says..."It’s the money you idiot!”

Well, if that’s the sole reason then so be it, because the fact that the government’s sponsoring the project means the newspaper will have deep pockets indeed. But what of the freedom of the Press? To be sure, Mr Newland in all his experience and wisdom realises that he will have to toe a rather fine line. His comment page will be closely monitored and the newspaper’s policy will be, in effect, that of the government’s.

If Mr Newland knows this, then has he informed his journalists? There are two scenarios for the new Abu Dhabi newspaper in 2008.

One is that Mr Newland and his staff come into the paper with their eyes open and their hands on their bulging wallets, and toss ethics and freedom out the window (this is a good scenario for the paper, commercially at least. And one the proprietors will be hoping for).

Second is that the staff of the daily are caught unawares by the proprietorial interference and flee en masse, within six months of the paper’s launch (this is by far the most realistic scenarios). This will prompt the owners to staff the paper with a hundred journalists from Kerala, India who will work for a tenth of the salary paid to Mr Newland’s staff and never rock the proverbial boat.

I see Abu Dhabi’s newspaper closely resembling all the other Middle East titles (in staffing and content) before 2008 is out.

Needless to say Dubai and Bahrain’s journalists will probably be having the most cynical, and probably the heartiest, last laugh.

Finland school gunman was bullied

Helsinki, Finland: The teenager who killed eight people in a high school shooting in Finland was a social outcast who was bullied in school, a senior police official said Thursday.

“You can say that the motive is still open,” detective superintendent Tero Haapala told The Associated Press.

“But the explanation can be found mainly in his Web writings and his social behaviour.” Police named the killer as Pekka Eric Auvinen

No leg to stand on

(If you are one of those politically-correct people, then I would advise you to skip the following entry)

LONDON: One-legged nutter, Heather Mills McCartney has said that she is feeling better after venting her rage against estranged husband Paul McCartney and the media in a series of television interviews last week.

The Captain Ahab of the ‘former spouse’ world embarrassed herself on live TV after she spewed forth a completely incoherent tirade against the media.

Heather is planning on a campaign to get European legislation to curb news media. Her peg-leg, however, quite likes the media spotlight.

Some cracking jokes about Heather

A South African miner loses a leg in an accident.
He cries 'Oh no! Who's going to want a one legged gold digger now?'
To which Paul McCartney shouts 'Me!'

A journalist asks Paul McCartney if he'll ever go down on one knee again.
Paul replies, “I'd prefer if you called her Heather.”

Paul McCartney has decided to bury the hatchet and bought his wife Heather an X’Mas present. He has bought her a pure gold prosthetic leg. However, it is not going to be her main X’Mas present. It is only meant to be a stocking filler.

Paul was upset with his wife Heather Mills because her favorite music was Hip Hop.

Paul McCartney's divorce could cost him billions and he won't have a leg to stand…er, I mean she won't have a leg to…. Divorce can be so complicated.

Eye on Entertainment

The Crystal Ship tells you who and what to watch in the coming week, and in the not too distant future....

Upcoming movie you just shouldn't miss
Title: No Country for Old Men
Director: Ethan and Joel Coen
Cast: Tommy Lee Jones, Javier Bardem, Woody Harrelson
Plot: Violence and mayhem ensue after a hunter stumbles upon some dead bodies, a stash of heroin and more than $2 million in cash near the Rio Grande.

Beautiful face of the future...
Name: Bahar Soomekh
Where's she from: Tehran, Iran
How old is she? 32
What has she done to deserve our affection? Frankly, fuck all! But hey she's gorgeous and she's got the blood of Xyrus in her veins. Oh and yeah, she's starring in the pointless Saw IV

The world's worst school shootings

• Charles Joseph Whitman was a student at the University of Texas at Austin who shot and killed 14 people (including those who later died as a result of their injuries) and wounded 31 others from the observation deck of the University's Main Building of The University of Texas at Austin on August 1, 1966. He did this shortly after murdering his wife and mother. He was eventually shot and killed by Austin police.

• The California State University, Fullerton massacre was an incident that occurred on the morning of July 12, 1976, when Edward Charles Allaway, a custodian at the Cal State Fullerton library, shot nine people in the basement and first floor of the library with a .22-caliber rifle. Seven of the nine wounded victims died. He was later found guilty of six counts of first degree murder and one count of second degree murder. However, a second phase of the trial determined that he was not sane. Five different mental health professionals diagnosed him with paranoid schizophrenia. He presented a history of mental illness. He was committed to the California state mental hospital system, where he remains at Patton State Hospital in San Bernardino, as of 2007.

• The Columbine High School massacre occurred on Tuesday, April 20, 1999, at Columbine High School in unincorporated Jefferson County, Colorado near Denver and Littleton. Two students, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, embarked on a shooting rampage, killing 12 students and a teacher, as well as wounding 23 others, before committing suicide.

• The Virginia Tech massacre was a school shooting comprising two separate attacks about two hours apart on April 16, 2007, on the Virginia Tech campus in Blacksburg, Virginia, United States. The perpetrator, Seung-Hui Cho, killed 32 people and wounded many more,^[4] before committing suicide, making it the deadliest school shooting in U.S. history.

• The École Polytechnique Massacre, also known as the Montreal Massacre, occurred on December 6, 1989 at the École Polytechnique in Montreal, Quebec, Canada. Twenty-five year-old Marc Lépine, armed with a legally obtained semi-automatic rifle and a hunting knife, shot twenty-eight people, killing fourteen (all of them women) and injuring the other fourteen before killing himself.

• The Avivim school bus massacre was a terrorist attack that took place in Israel on May 8, 1970 near Moshav Avivim on the border with Lebanon. Palestinian gunmen from the Democratic Front for the Liberation of Palestine (DFLP) attacked the town's school bus, killing twelve people, mostly children.

• The Ma'alot massacre was an attack, carried out in Ma'alot, Israel by members of the Democratic Front for the Liberation of Palestine, that occurred on May 15, 1974, the 26th anniversary of Israeli independence. In this incident members of the DLFP murdered 22 religious high school students from the city of Safed.

• The Dunblane massacre was a multiple murder-suicide which occurred at Dunblane Primary School in the Scottish town of Dunblane on 13 March 1996. Sixteen children and one adult were killed, as well as the attacker who committed suicide. It remains the deadliest attack on children in United Kingdom history.

• The Erfurt massacre was a school shooting that occurred on April 26, 2002 at the Johann Gutenberg Gymnasium in Erfurt, Germany. Sixteen people were killed before the perpetrator committed suicide.

3 killed in Finland school shooting

HELSINKI, Finland: At least three people have been killed today in a school shooting in southern Finland, the Ilta Sanomat newspaper reported on its website. Police confirmed there was a shooting at a school in Tuusula, some 50 kilometers (30 miles) north of the capital, Helsinki, but declined to give details.

Diary of a Lady - 11

The ignoramus who runs what he thinks is a tight crystal ship has just rejected one of my entries. The reasons cited included the following words: self indulgent and deluded. The rest I have conveniently forgotten. The only way to survive is to let people yap on. It keeps them happy and gives them a sense of purpose. The captain is at his happiest when he's lecturing me on my many vagrant habits.

But the captain is as deluded as I am. He immerses himself in the quest for knowledge; he assumes it makes him a more enlightened being. But it's a pointless quest, when we don't act on the knowledge acquired, when we settle for mediocrity, instead of competing with the enlightened.

I am happy with my delusions. I see the worms and cobwebs in my head for what they are. And no, at no point did I say that Garth Brooks was a yodeler.

Captain's Log: The Crystal Ship's executive officers mulled over whether Spellcheck should be relieved of her columnist duties, but have decided, in all their wisdom, that even the most banal of writers must be given an avenue. Even if it is only to showcase the other talent on the blog.

Joke of the Day

A woman enroled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles.
The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm.
"Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids...".

Things you don’t need to know about Brooks

• Is married to Country star Trisha Yearwood (seen in picture).
• Is obsessed with brushing his teeth. Claims to have over 80 toothbrushes in his house.
• Earned a degree in advertising.
• Admitted in a Barbara Walters interview that he had cheated on his wife repeatedly when he went on tour.
• Born on the same day as Bon Jovi keyboardist David Bryan (Now that fact was pointless).
• Is now selling his music exclusively through WalMart after splitting with Capitol Records back in June 2005.
• Martina McBride sold T-shirts on his tour, before she had hit it big.
  

The King is dead, long live...errr...Garth Brooks

Elvis’s record of being the best-selling solo artist in history has been broken by country star Garth Brooks, who has taken over the ‘best-selling’ mantle. Brooks has sold 123 million units in his career (Elvis sold 118.5 million). The Crystal Ship, however, could find no one who had actually listened to a whole Brooks’ album. Resident Ship columnist, Spellcheck, when asked if she knew of Brooks, stated, “Isn’t he that yodeling, Western singer?” To the best of my knowledge the 10-gallon-hat-wearing yokel has never yodeled, but I wouldn’t put it past him.

Brooks told us (actually he did it, but for all intents and purposes let’s assume that he did), "This award reflects the magnitude of the country audience and what they can accomplish when they act together."

And he’s right too...just look at the Iraq cock-up.

Ladybird books for the 21st Century

These were was sent in by Da Doo Ron Ron and should be required reading for all thos little bastards.

Joke of the Day

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window.
Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.
"Yes," the woman says, "you're checking for any lumps of breast cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman.
He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."