The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning, walking around his new parish, after leaving his wife in bed with the Sunday papers, her cup of tea, and a pack of cigarettes. One of the old villagers came up to him and said. "Good morning, Vicar, how be you and the wife?"
The Vicar said, "Good morning my man, I am fine, the wife is fine also. I left her in bed smoking."
The villager said, "Arr, Vicar, that's the way to fuck 'em!"
Oh dear George W is at it again with his verbal rubbish. Bush took his head out of his arse long enough to utter: ''I heard somebody say, ‘Where's Mandela?' Well, Mandela's dead because Saddam Hussein killed all the Mandelas.''
Needless to say Mandela’s spokesperson has placated South Africa and the rest of the world by confirming that the old boy is still going strong.
Munich Mayor Christian Ude opened the biggest piss-up of the year when he ordered the tapping of the first beer barrel, the ritual kick-off for the 174th edition of the Oktoberfest.
So does that mean all the denizens of Bahrain will be heading to the Sherlock Holmes for the usual fare of barely-passable beer and even worse women?
Anyway here’s some Oktoberfest trivia for you to mull while you keep checking the clock to see if you can piss-off from work without anyone knowing.
As if there weren’t enough bikes on the road Suzuki Motorcycles India has announced that it will come up with a new 150cc motorbike variant in February next year, according to PTI.
According to the report a spokesperson from Suzuki Motorcycles said that models like Heat (125cc) and Zeus (125cc) were targeted to provide Indian customers a refreshing new feel in the 125cc commuter segment.
While Heat was targeted towards excessive bike users, Zeus was more for young college students and executives the spokesperson said.
What on earth is an “excessive bike user”? Is it someone who goes to bed with his bike, or occasionally taps the exhaust (hey it’s been known to happen). Be that as it may, no more stupid kids with a wish to end their meager and miserable lives can obtain the tool to do so.
I think we should ban all bikes under 500cc, then at least if you kill yourself you can look good while you do it.
The 46-year-old Oscar-winning actor was travelling with his girlfriend Sarah Larson (seen in picture with Clooney) at the time of the crash in Palisades. Larson, 28, suffered a broken foot in the accident, Clooney's spokesman Stan Rosenfield said.
The couple was treated at the Palisades Medical Center and later released the statement added.
Mourinho's gone and Da Doo Ron Ron was quick to send in this little gem.
News Flash: Police were called out to investigate reports of an explosion in West London yesterday morning. When they got there they found out that the bang was nothing more than Chelsea's bubble bursting.
Here are some other corkers...or maybe not
And then there are al those other classic football jokes that I just had to include here.
I don’t know how many of you reading this will remember a newspaper called the New York Sun. Well in its day it was pretty big, but the paper itself is not the reason behind this post.
On this day 110 years ago it ran a response from then editor Francis Church to eight-year-old Virginia O’Hanlon who asked the paper via a letter (oh those were the days) whether Santa Claus existed. The reply, though a bit dramatic, is a superb read.
To read the letter and the response as it appeared in print in 1897, here’s the link (courtesy Newseum) http://www.newseum.org/yesvirginia/
Now here are the top myths that must be busted for all kids so they don’t grow up to be complete morons.
Myth 1: Never lie
What a load of bollocks! Don’t parents know that every good relationship is based on an even better lie? Nobody wants to listen to people narrate the truth about their lives, except for those who want to test the boundaries of euthanasia laws. Children must be taught to lie with panache from a very early age. If he doesn’t the kid’s going to grow up lonelier that Garry Glitter in an old age home.
Myth 2: Treat everyone equally
Look kids there are two types of people the smart ones and the idiots, and ne’er the twain shall meet. In fact contrary to popular belief idiots do like to be poked and prodded and called names on the playground. As you grow older you will realise how different the two groups really are. At a nightclub you’ll be the one with the supermodel and he’ll be the anorak-clad mitochondrion with the Prohypnol in his pocket. If, however, you end up with the anorak then you’re screwed and you’d better get used to life being treated like the idiot you actually are.
Myth 3: Don’t drink and smoke
Yeah like there’s anything better to do while you’re waiting for this miserable life to end. Besides if the kid’s going to spend any time in the MidEast he’d better drink like George Best and smoke like Bette Davis or it’s noose and ceiling fan time for him. Besides when you’re drunk you can do and say whatever you want and pretend not to remember a thing the morning after...classic get out clause.
Myth 4: Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny exist
In fact not only do they exist, but they’re all part of the evil North Pole cartel called CAKE (Conning All Kids Everywhere). Not only do they do F-all for all but one day in the year but on that one day Santa comes down your chimney, steals your DVD player, plugs the maid and leaves you crap you never needed in the first place under a tree you never wanted to decorate.
As for that Bunny...who the hell distributes eggs anyway, and why would a mammal do it? The Easter Playboy Bunny...now that’s a real treat.
Myth 5: The Tooth Fairy exists
No she’s dead, and she died choking on that tooth you left under the pillow you little shit. Now stop leaving body parts around the house and bury it in the backyard where it will grow into a giant tooth-root that you can climb and bugger off from this world.
If any of you have any more myths that need a good busting don’t hesitate to add them to the list.
Seventy-years-ago today J R R Tolkien published The Hobbit, and apart from proving a most momentous harbinger for what was to follow (The Lord of the Rings for those who have been living under a rock) it would provide a stepping stone for a fantastic journey that would be undertaken by children and adults for generations to come.
The Hobbit was targeted at children and has a rather simplistic prose style, which is more than I can say for the snore-inducing Children of Hurin (although it is raved about by the clan of unwashed fantasy readers, many of them running around in smocks and pocking each other in the buttocks)
But as a stand alone work of children’s fiction it occupies a slot amongst the greats like C S Lewis, Enid Blyton, Frank Baum and Richard Adams.
Here’s a list of my Top 5 children’s books in no particular order
1) The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe — C S Lewis
2) The Wind In The Willows — Kenneth Grahame
3) The Hobbit — J R R Tolkien
4) Watership Down — Richard Adams
5) The Water Babies — Charles Kingsley
Don’t agree with my list then sod off, or you could tell us your top 5.
It was reported today that three men were lynched in a Jharkhand village Thursday night, with villagers taking a leaf out of their neighbours in Bihar to allege the victims were thieves and that the police were doing nothing to stop a rising tide of thefts.
Vigilantism has been around for aeons, and is often seen as a knee-jerk reaction to a perceived lack of confidence in local police forces or at times even the armed forces.
But what most fail to realise is man’s intrinsic need for violence or the ‘eye for an eye’ philosophy. Now while that philosophy might not hold water in cases of men being lynched for alleged theft, it is nevertheless a powerful one.
Vigilantism has often been the errant sibling of anarchism, shrouding the latter’s positives with its mob mentality.
But is vigilantism wrong? What happens when a local police force is ether to corrupt, caught up in bureaucracy or just plain lazy? Is it then a citizen’s right to take the law into his own hands?
The key to that question lies in the world ‘law’. If citizens apprehended alleged criminals and tried them — without bias — and if found guilty sentenced them to a punishment befitting the crime, then vigilantism would not be the social pariah it is (it would simply be frowned upon).
To hang a man when his crime is stealing a say...TV set...smacks of immaturity and frenzy, rather than rule of law — citizen or otherwise.
Fortunately the perpetrators of vigilantism in the Indian states of Bihar and Jharkhand are not the increasingly erudite middle-class tom-tommed by the Press: They are rural dwellers who have very rarely lived within the diktats of the state. So to expect them to behave differently would be delusional.
The government must now label the lynch mob murderers and try them under that charge...even if it does mean locking up most of the people of a village. Unenlightened vigilantism spreads like a virus and can engulf nations in the garb of revolutions.
