The Jocks wot done it

Glasgow, Scotland was chosen today, to host the 2014 Commonwealth Games. Glasgow beat the only other candidate for the games — Abuja, Nigeria — by a vote of 47 to 24. Votes were cast by the 71 Commonwealth member states in Sri Lanka's capital, Colombo.

Abuja's chances of winning the right to host the games were dealt a blow in September after a four member evaluation team found fault with the city's plans for budgeting, transport, marketing and venues. The team also visited Glasgow, but never made it past the pub.

The question, however, is will the English be allowed to take part? Of course the ship has decided this is an apt time for some Scotch (yes Scotch!) jokes.

A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
The Scotsman man shouts, “Awa ye feel hoor that’s full O coos Sharn.”
The man shouts back, “I'm English. Speak English, I don't understand you.”
The Scotsman man shouts back, “Use both hands, you'll get more in.”

A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."

Jock's wife Maggie went to the doctor complaining of pains in the stomach. The doctor told her it was “just wind”. "Just wind?" she screamed at him. "It was just wind that blew down the Tay Bridge!"

Jock and an Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the stewardess approached. "May I get you something?" she asked. "Aye, a whusky," Jock replied.
She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he'd like one. "Never!" he said sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by whores all the way to America than drink whisky!"
Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying, "Och, Ah didna ken there wuz a choice!"

Irate golfer, on his way to a round of 150: "You must be the worst caddie in the world!"
Scottish caddie (dryly): "That would be too much of a coincidence, sir."