The myth buster

I don’t know how many of you reading this will remember a newspaper called the New York Sun. Well in its day it was pretty big, but the paper itself is not the reason behind this post.

On this day 110 years ago it ran a response from then editor Francis Church to eight-year-old Virginia O’Hanlon who asked the paper via a letter (oh those were the days) whether Santa Claus existed. The reply, though a bit dramatic, is a superb read.

To read the letter and the response as it appeared in print in 1897, here’s the link (courtesy Newseum) http://www.newseum.org/yesvirginia/

Now here are the top myths that must be busted for all kids so they don’t grow up to be complete morons.

Myth 1: Never lie

What a load of bollocks! Don’t parents know that every good relationship is based on an even better lie? Nobody wants to listen to people narrate the truth about their lives, except for those who want to test the boundaries of euthanasia laws. Children must be taught to lie with panache from a very early age. If he doesn’t the kid’s going to grow up lonelier that Garry Glitter in an old age home.

Myth 2: Treat everyone equally

Look kids there are two types of people the smart ones and the idiots, and ne’er the twain shall meet. In fact contrary to popular belief idiots do like to be poked and prodded and called names on the playground. As you grow older you will realise how different the two groups really are. At a nightclub you’ll be the one with the supermodel and he’ll be the anorak-clad mitochondrion with the Prohypnol in his pocket. If, however, you end up with the anorak then you’re screwed and you’d better get used to life being treated like the idiot you actually are.

Myth 3: Don’t drink and smoke

Yeah like there’s anything better to do while you’re waiting for this miserable life to end. Besides if the kid’s going to spend any time in the MidEast he’d better drink like George Best and smoke like Bette Davis or it’s noose and ceiling fan time for him. Besides when you’re drunk you can do and say whatever you want and pretend not to remember a thing the morning after...classic get out clause.

Myth 4: Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny exist

In fact not only do they exist, but they’re all part of the evil North Pole cartel called CAKE (Conning All Kids Everywhere). Not only do they do F-all for all but one day in the year but on that one day Santa comes down your chimney, steals your DVD player, plugs the maid and leaves you crap you never needed in the first place under a tree you never wanted to decorate.

As for that Bunny...who the hell distributes eggs anyway, and why would a mammal do it? The Easter Playboy Bunny...now that’s a real treat.

Myth 5: The Tooth Fairy exists

No she’s dead, and she died choking on that tooth you left under the pillow you little shit. Now stop leaving body parts around the house and bury it in the backyard where it will grow into a giant tooth-root that you can climb and bugger off from this world.

If any of you have any more myths that need a good busting don’t hesitate to add them to the list.