This one's a brilliant piece of wit from the irrepressible Marina Hynde of the Guardian's.If you read just one piece about the political and humanitarian crisis in Burma today, do make it the Associated Press's interview on the subject with Sylvester Stallone, which offers a moving reminder that one of the most vital things we do with our western freedoms is demand a celebrity angle on every single story, no matter how palpably inappropriate.
And so it is that the news agency casts its eyes over the murdering of protesters, the brutalising of monks, and asks the essential question. Namely: what does Rocky think of this? I'll just bet he has a fascinating take on the UN's approach to negotiations with the junta.
Sly, you see, has been shooting the latest instalment in the Rambo series in Thailand, and spent a period filming on the Salween River, which forms part of the country's border with Burma. He is now back in Los Angeles.
"We hear about Vietnam and Cambodia," he tells the AP reporter, "but this was more horrific ... It would be a white-washing not to show what's going on over there," the actor continues. "I think there is a story that needs to be told."
Yes. But is it the story of one man, ridiculously ripped on human growth hormone, saving some Christian missionaries with his ragtag band of mercenaries, but still managing to find time to cop off with Julie Benz, in a story arc that symbolises the triumph of the human spirit, and the continuing hotness of the woman we previously knew as Darla off Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Lost in Showbiz remains unconvinced. Could we please consider at least an uncredited cameo for Aung San Suu Kyi?
That said, Rambo does quite literally punch a man's head clean off in the rough clip I saw, so it's tough to work out what you would be willing to lose to the cutting room floor to make room for her.
"I was being accused, once again, of using the third world as a Rambo victim," Sly continues, clearly anxious to set the record straight about the long-running franchise that began with the human-rights classic First Blood, and most recently led to Rambo III, where our hero teams up with the Afghan mujahideen. The film is dedicated "to the gallant people of Afghanistan". They are believed to have welled up with gratitude at the gift, which was, ultimately, the gift of understanding. "The Burmese are beautiful people," Sly goes on today. "It's the military I am portraying as cruel."
But how did he pick Burma as the backdrop for John Rambo's latest mission? "I called Soldier of Fortune magazine and they said Burma was the foremost area of human abuse on the planet."
Wait - Soldier of Fortune magazine? Mercenaries have their own trade mag? But how precious! It has just rocketed to numero uno in this column's list of preferred publications. Subscribe your ass today.
Indeed, the magazine's website reveals a veritable treasure trove, where all feature synopses begin with the phrase "one man's war on ..." As for the news stories: "TROOPER'S SHOTGUN DROPS KILLER AT A HUNDRED YARDS," reads one headline. "We just love happy endings - this one facilitated by Aimpoint."
There's also a trenchant opinion column by Lt Col Oliver North (retired), and an adorably whimsical little article about "Gitmo, our oldest and most curious base abroad".
Merchandise-wise, Lost in Showbiz has settled on a T-shirt bearing the slogan "BE A MAN AMONG MEN: Rhodesian Army". It's difficult to imagine a garment in which you could get luckier in the Guardian canteen, but gentlemen reading this may prefer the 100% polyester, Soldier of Fortune-branded fleece, which - handily - would also serve as a covert indicator to any passing Viagra salesmen.
After that, you're on your own. Just the way any self-respecting Hollywood-based Burmese liberationist likes it.
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