Diary of a Lady - 9

(The captain of the Crystal Ship wishes to make it very clear that he is not the author of this diary...lest some nincompoop think otherwise. The Diary is written by a bonafide hussy)

I met an old .. um…acquaintance yesterday. At least I was once acquainted with his penis. As penises go, his was a decent one -- not too large, but not too small either. But in the interests of my newfound purity, I decided against reacquainting myself with it.

I've seen quite a few penises in my lifetime -- not a hundred, but I think 40 would be a nice round figure. And surprisingly, to my horror, I've realised I can remember them all.

This is half an epiphany for me, as I'm not a penis-loving person. I realised that the moment my first boyfriend whipped his 'manhood' out of his pants, and there I was wishing he's just stuff it back it in. Most men like whipping their penises out, given half a chance. It's something I've come to expect and accept.

But the penis that still gives me the shudders belonged to a 39-year-old Scot. I was 17 at the time, and not only would he whip it out, he'd ask me if his was the best I'd ever seen. What can a girl say?

After giving pleasure to 40 penises, I'd like to think that I'm good at oral sex. I wish I could put it down in résumé: 'Also gives good head'. I bet the editor of The Guardian would hire me in a jiffy.