The Beatles in space…and we’re happyish

So it has been decided, the Beatles’ Across the Universe, is going to be sent into space by NASA on February 4. To be more specific, a Beatles’ tune is going to be our medium of communication with aliens (not the ones that jump over fences, and make dinky rafts that promptly sink when put in water).

Are we earthlings OK with this?

Let’s put it this way, if it wasn’t the Beatles, which band or musician would you have representing our rock?

I have no problem with the Beatles (after all, they are my second favourite band of all time). But I would rather have had my favourite, The Band…but what song? I would go with Acadian Driftwood, but you’d be hard-pressed finding an alien that understands what a ‘gypsy tailwind’ is.

Then of course, there’s the Starman himself, David Bowie.

Martians, however, would be rather perplexed at why they have never been privy to a spider. Bowie’s Space Oddity might be a good choice, after all spacelings may have seen quite a few of our bumbling astronauts prancing about like cosmic retards in their oversized nappies.

But why send Pop at all, what about Rock? Led Zeppelin’s Kashmir would be a nice — if a tad ominous in an ‘onward Earthy soldiers’ way — touch. Stairway to Heaven might go down a treat, what with all Dick Planty’s wailing, and hedgerow bustling. You can almost picture a bug-eyed and well-travelled Neptunian, describing a hedgerow to his partner: “It’s about four feet high, and meant to offer privacy to beings that average five feet in height…go figure.”

Then there’s the likes of Slayer, Slip Knot, Megadeth et al. There’s something to be said for using these dimwitted draft-dodgers’ music as the theme from Earth, the TV Show.

I’m pretty sure the lines, “I am eternal terror my quest will never end/I'll trap you in the pentagram/And seal your battered tomb” from Slayer’s Face the Slayer, will be a right showstopper at the annual Saturnela festival on…errr…Saturn.

Many will take umbrage, or may even be affronted, by the fact that jazz, blues and classical weren’t even thought of.

But honestly, would you rather listen to Earl Klugh tweetering on about nothing; Howlin’ Wolf wailin’ about why his lady left him (neatly skipping the fact that he’s an alcoholic, wife-beating, whore-monger), or Bach playing something so opulent, it screams of a pomposity that no other race — apart from star-eating Xerxons — deserve to boast about? Though not.

So it brings us back to pop…what’s that you say? Country?! Hmmm…country.

Let me tell you why country is such a bad idea, it doesn’t even deserve consideration.

For one, Rednecks shouldn’t be representing themselves, let alone an entire planet. Second, anyone who sings while wearing one of the world’s most bizarre headgears needs to be locked up, not asked to provide the message for interplanetary communication. And finally, who listens to country anyway? Imagine if an alien landed on earth and said, to the first passerby: “Hi ya’ll! How’s the li’l ladeh and ol’ dadeh that left when you was a little lied. An’ how’s Billy, and the boys at them Last Chance Saloon? An’ how’s yer cheatin’ art?” You’d probably nut the little green blighter and tell him to sod off to Texas. The whole world will become Texas. Every krypton-pickin’ alien in the universe would call us the good ol’ boys from Earth! Do you want that? No!

So we’re stuck with the Beatles, and Across the Universe.

I wonder what all the mullahs and Mein Pope will make of the fact that humanity is going to be represented by the words “Jai guru deva om”?

Anyone out there reckon the million Indians working for NASA had a hand in the selection?