Mills splits from law firm

LONDON: Heather Mills has parted company with the law firm which had represented her in her divorce from former Beatle Paul McCartney, the firm said Friday.

Shimon Cohen, of Mishcon de Reya Solicitors, confirmed news reports that the firm was no longer representing her, but declined as a matter of policy to say why or when it ceased to do so.

A source high up in the firm, however, was reported to have said: “Once we saw the post on the Crystal Ship, we knew it was time to dump Heather. When the Captain speaks, everyone listens.”

Of course most of our readers will know that we’re lying about taht quote like Pinocchio with a hard-on, but it would be nice if it were true...wouldn’t it.

By the way, Mishcon de Reya also represented Princess Diana in her divorce from Prince Charles, whose divorce lawyer, Fiona Shackleton, is representing McCartney. All a bit incestuous methinks.

No leg to stand on

(If you are one of those politically-correct people, then I would advise you to skip the following entry)

LONDON: One-legged nutter, Heather Mills McCartney has said that she is feeling better after venting her rage against estranged husband Paul McCartney and the media in a series of television interviews last week.

The Captain Ahab of the ‘former spouse’ world embarrassed herself on live TV after she spewed forth a completely incoherent tirade against the media.

Heather is planning on a campaign to get European legislation to curb news media. Her peg-leg, however, quite likes the media spotlight.

Some cracking jokes about Heather

A South African miner loses a leg in an accident.
He cries 'Oh no! Who's going to want a one legged gold digger now?'
To which Paul McCartney shouts 'Me!'

A journalist asks Paul McCartney if he'll ever go down on one knee again.
Paul replies, “I'd prefer if you called her Heather.”

Paul McCartney has decided to bury the hatchet and bought his wife Heather an X’Mas present. He has bought her a pure gold prosthetic leg. However, it is not going to be her main X’Mas present. It is only meant to be a stocking filler.

Paul was upset with his wife Heather Mills because her favorite music was Hip Hop.

Paul McCartney's divorce could cost him billions and he won't have a leg to stand…er, I mean she won't have a leg to…. Divorce can be so complicated.