Joke of the Day

Two rednecks are playing golf behind two flamingly effeminate golfers who are just flitting about after every shot, every putt, everything.
The rednecks are getting so mad watching the un-macho behaviour of the two at the ‘gentleman's game’, so they decide they're going to hit into them to get off.
The rednecks' shots are getting dangerously close to the two gays, and finally, a shot from one of the rednecks hits one of the gays on the head and it knocks him out cold.
The other gay is in an angry panic, shaking his friend to get up, "Felipe! Felipe! Get up! Get up!"
He shouts at the rednecks, "You bad men! We are going to sue you!"
One of the rednecks yelled back, "You ain't gonna sue us! I'd just as soon suck your winney!"
The gay heard that and started shaking his friend: "Felipe! Felipe! Get up! Hurry! They want to settle out of court!"

No leg to stand on

(If you are one of those politically-correct people, then I would advise you to skip the following entry)

LONDON: One-legged nutter, Heather Mills McCartney has said that she is feeling better after venting her rage against estranged husband Paul McCartney and the media in a series of television interviews last week.

The Captain Ahab of the ‘former spouse’ world embarrassed herself on live TV after she spewed forth a completely incoherent tirade against the media.

Heather is planning on a campaign to get European legislation to curb news media. Her peg-leg, however, quite likes the media spotlight.

Some cracking jokes about Heather

A South African miner loses a leg in an accident.
He cries 'Oh no! Who's going to want a one legged gold digger now?'
To which Paul McCartney shouts 'Me!'

A journalist asks Paul McCartney if he'll ever go down on one knee again.
Paul replies, “I'd prefer if you called her Heather.”

Paul McCartney has decided to bury the hatchet and bought his wife Heather an X’Mas present. He has bought her a pure gold prosthetic leg. However, it is not going to be her main X’Mas present. It is only meant to be a stocking filler.

Paul was upset with his wife Heather Mills because her favorite music was Hip Hop.

Paul McCartney's divorce could cost him billions and he won't have a leg to stand…er, I mean she won't have a leg to…. Divorce can be so complicated.

Joke of the Day

A woman enroled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles.
The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm.
"Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids...".

Joke of the Day

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window.
Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.
"Yes," the woman says, "you're checking for any lumps of breast cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman.
He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."

Joke of the Day

Little Johnny was just being potty trained and his mom tried this new method with 6 steps:
1. Unbutton pants
2. Pull pants down
3. Pull foreskin back
4. Pee
5. Push foreskin forward
6. Pull pants up and button up
She walked past the bathroom one day and heard Johnny going 1,2,3,4,5,6 and she was thinking she did good.
Then she walked past the next day and heard him saying real fast 3-5,3-5,3-5...

Joke of the Day

There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home.
When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?"
She replies "A cock."
He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough. A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question.
She replies "A cock". He is angry because she seemed more pure than the first but, oh well. A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house.
He whips it out and asks, "What is this?"
She giggles and says "A pee-pee."
He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman. They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says, "That's your pee-pee."
He finally breaks down and says "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock."
She laughs and says "No it's not, a cock is ten inches long and black."

Joke of the day

A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say "nice tie!".
Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar.
A few sips later the voice said "beautiful shirt".
A little worried, the man decides to play the slot machine. As he puts a coin in the bandit he hears a harsh voice say, "You ugly cunt."
Looking around there's still no-one around.
A couple of seconds later the second voice said, "Fuck off you ugly tosser!"
At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey...I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices, one saying nice things, and one being really offensive, and there's not a soul in here but us."
"Ah" answered the bartender. "the peanuts...they're complimentary, but the bandit's out of order."

Joke of the Day

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says,
"OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person...because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large...all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologise, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little fucker on your knee!"

Joke of the day (this one’s for Mr Beckett)

After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested they vary their position.

“For example,” he suggested, “you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs from behind and off you go.”

The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.

“Well, okay,” the hesitant wife agreed, “but on two conditions. First, if it hurts you have to stop right away, and second...” she continued, “you have to promise we won't go past my parents' house.”