The Diary of a Lady - 3

Spellcheck is an escapist, who will do anything to remain untouched by the harsh realities of life. This is her rambling diary, written exclusively for The Crystal Ship

We all have a Pandora's box hidden in the depths of our minds. Over the years, I've filled mine with my fears, memories I wish to avoid in my conscious existence, my limitations, evil, unmentionable thoughts, my inadequacies…and now I've opened it.

Why did I do that?

The ghouls of my mind that I so carefully locked up are invading my conscious existence. My mind cannot deal with this overflow of reality, images and emotion. I do not want to rage. I do not want to rant. I want to go gently into the dying of the night.

There is no hope in my Pandora's box; the fairies forgot to tell me that I had to store some hope in it. It is dark, and voices are buzzing around me. Are they the voices of my past: the parents screaming, the children mocking me, the dog yelping in pain as she was thrown down the steps.

Is that me screaming in agony and ecstasy? I cannot tell.

The darkness will give way to a yellow fog, and then the sun will slowly come back. That much I know.

This is not the first time I have opened Pandora's box.

I can only wait.

Rambo takes up Burmese cause

This one's a brilliant piece of wit from the irrepressible Marina Hynde of the Guardian's.

If you read just one piece about the political and humanitarian crisis in Burma today, do make it the Associated Press's interview on the subject with Sylvester Stallone, which offers a moving reminder that one of the most vital things we do with our western freedoms is demand a celebrity angle on every single story, no matter how palpably inappropriate.

And so it is that the news agency casts its eyes over the murdering of protesters, the brutalising of monks, and asks the essential question. Namely: what does Rocky think of this? I'll just bet he has a fascinating take on the UN's approach to negotiations with the junta.

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Sly, you see, has been shooting the latest instalment in the Rambo series in Thailand, and spent a period filming on the Salween River, which forms part of the country's border with Burma. He is now back in Los Angeles.

"We hear about Vietnam and Cambodia," he tells the AP reporter, "but this was more horrific ... It would be a white-washing not to show what's going on over there," the actor continues. "I think there is a story that needs to be told."

Yes. But is it the story of one man, ridiculously ripped on human growth hormone, saving some Christian missionaries with his ragtag band of mercenaries, but still managing to find time to cop off with Julie Benz, in a story arc that symbolises the triumph of the human spirit, and the continuing hotness of the woman we previously knew as Darla off Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Lost in Showbiz remains unconvinced. Could we please consider at least an uncredited cameo for Aung San Suu Kyi?

That said, Rambo does quite literally punch a man's head clean off in the rough clip I saw, so it's tough to work out what you would be willing to lose to the cutting room floor to make room for her.

"I was being accused, once again, of using the third world as a Rambo victim," Sly continues, clearly anxious to set the record straight about the long-running franchise that began with the human-rights classic First Blood, and most recently led to Rambo III, where our hero teams up with the Afghan mujahideen. The film is dedicated "to the gallant people of Afghanistan". They are believed to have welled up with gratitude at the gift, which was, ultimately, the gift of understanding. "The Burmese are beautiful people," Sly goes on today. "It's the military I am portraying as cruel."

But how did he pick Burma as the backdrop for John Rambo's latest mission? "I called Soldier of Fortune magazine and they said Burma was the foremost area of human abuse on the planet."

Wait - Soldier of Fortune magazine? Mercenaries have their own trade mag? But how precious! It has just rocketed to numero uno in this column's list of preferred publications. Subscribe your ass today.

Indeed, the magazine's website reveals a veritable treasure trove, where all feature synopses begin with the phrase "one man's war on ..." As for the news stories: "TROOPER'S SHOTGUN DROPS KILLER AT A HUNDRED YARDS," reads one headline. "We just love happy endings - this one facilitated by Aimpoint."

There's also a trenchant opinion column by Lt Col Oliver North (retired), and an adorably whimsical little article about "Gitmo, our oldest and most curious base abroad".

Merchandise-wise, Lost in Showbiz has settled on a T-shirt bearing the slogan "BE A MAN AMONG MEN: Rhodesian Army". It's difficult to imagine a garment in which you could get luckier in the Guardian canteen, but gentlemen reading this may prefer the 100% polyester, Soldier of Fortune-branded fleece, which - handily - would also serve as a covert indicator to any passing Viagra salesmen.

After that, you're on your own. Just the way any self-respecting Hollywood-based Burmese liberationist likes it.

Return of the Devil

Ambrose Bierce’s Devil’s Dictionary is a classic of satire and literary innovation published in 1911. Every day The Crystal Ship will bring to you one word from this most witty of lexicons. Don’t say I never do anything for your betterment.

ABRUPT, adj.  Sudden, without ceremony, like the arrival of a cannon-
shot and the departure of the soldier whose interests are most affected by it. 

Famous last words

An article in today's Guardian by Ian McKie about last lines and the truth behind them got me wondering (not thinking, I did that earlier) about other famous people and their alleged deathbed utterings. Here are a few gems, believe them or not, they make for good reading.

"Wait 'till I have finished my problem!"

— Archimedes

"Only from the cold, my friend."

— Bailly, Jean Sylvain: On the scaffold, awaiting the guillotine, he was heckled by a spectator who noticed that he was trembling.

"How were the circus receipts in Madison Square Gardens?"

— P T Barnum

"Now comes the mystery."

— Henry Ward Beecher

"Nostiitz, you have learned many a thing form me. Now you are to learn how peacefully a man can die."

— Gebhardt von Blucher

"Do you know where I can get any shit?"

— Lenny Bruce

"Take a step forward, lads. It will be easier that way."

— Robert Childers: Childers had been fighting with the Republican Forces when he was captured by pro-treaty troops at Annamore. He was tried before a military court, found guilty of possessing an automatic pistol, and executed by firing squad at Beggars Bush Barracks.

"That guy's got to stop. . . . He'll see us."

— James Dean

". . . the fog is rising"

— Emily Dickinson

"Shakespeare, I come."

— Theodore Dreiser

"KHAQQ calling Itasca. We must be on you, but cannot see you. Gas is running low."

— Amelia Earhart

"All my possessions for a moment of time."

— Elizabeth I

"God damn the whole fuckin' world and everyone in it but you, Carlotta."

— W C Fields

"My dear Schur, you remember our first talk. You promised to help me when I could no longer carry on. It is only torture now, and it has no longer any sense."

— Sigmund Freud: He was bedridden and in intense pain when he pressured his personal physician for relief and received several large doses of morphine. He slipped into a coma and died the next day.

More to come at a later date

Get in the car!

The current scandal surrounding the New York Knicks basketball team got me thinking (which at the best of times is not advisable).

Ok so they sexually harassed an employee of the company, and eventually she’s taken them to court and is going to sue the proverbial knickerbockers off the team. But there was another little bit of information that emerged during the trial and has seemingly enraged the media and the public.

One Knicks star, Stephon Marbury (seen here) invited an intern to his 4x4 for a little romp. That, however, didn’t raise too many eyebrows, it was the way he asked her that did. Allegedly he asked her: “Are you going to get in the truck?”

Now Dapper Dave had a way with words when it came to women and I don’t recall anyone ever being offended by his trademark “get in the car” statement...and he never framed it as a question as the polite Mr Marbury did.

Needless to say the intern did “get in the truck”, but later was “distraught because she felt she had to”. And then they wonder why women aren’t taken seriously. For gods’s sake woman what did you expect? A cuddle and a bit of pillow talk? You got in the car. You weren’t forced, now suck it up (no pun intended).

As for “get in the car” it doesn’t actually work everywhere in the world, and usually entails a shiner and the cops handcuffing you to Butch McTeabag in the holding pens.

The Diary of a Lady - 3

Spellcheck is an escapist, who will do anything to remain untouched by the harsh realities of life. This is her rambling diary, written exclusively for The Crystal Ship

The book had a pink and black cover, but that's all I can remember. It was a compilation of short pornographic stories set in 19 ^th Century England. Behind the staunch Victorian façade, he spanked her little fanny, as the horses snorted in disdain.

And my boyfriend and I would read those wonderfully sordid passages to each other. We never knew who the original owner of the book was. Another flatmate remembered it, his friend had 'thumped' through it (the stains were still there); their girlfriends blushed coyly when we mentioned the book. It was our dirty little secret that bound us together in the termite-ridden flat with green and blue walls.

That was years ago. The boyfriend, I married. The flatmate became a self-absorbed, money-obsessed non-entity. His friend exiled himself on the high seas. I never saw him again. One girlfriend died. The other became my friend.

And the book? It's nowhere to be found. But in honour of its memory, I will name my future children Dick and Fanny.

A new map of Iraq?

This one was sent in by Bahrain's very own Flying Scotsman. Who has finally got around to reading this blog.